A Redneck Valentine

Collards is green,
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special,
you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds......
IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!

__________________
"The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated." --Gandhi

I came in here to be morose and judge everyone. Getting silly will only derail my reality. Just kidding, i came in here to goof off with ya.

One of the funniest jokes I ever heard i dont' have a great memory of because it was twenty five or thirty years ago i heard it. It was told by Johnny Carson, on the Tonight Show, as the strangest joke he'd ever heard, or maybe he introduced it as he didn't know why it was funny, and neither do i, but i will tell you what i remember of it because i think it's grand.



These two hippos are in the jungle, standing in a pool of mud. The heat is just oppressive, and the air is very still. It is so hot and steamy in the jungle almost none of the creatures in the jungle are moving, they are just sitting there in the heat. One of the hippos turns to the other and says

"Ya know, it just doesn't seem like a Wednesday."

__________________

Peace, Love, and Organized Chiclets,

Betty

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates.

The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''

"No," the farmer said.

The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''

"No."

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''

The farmer shot Chuck.

__________________
Zen Jr., at your service.

Spawn of Zen. Emphasis on Junior... cause I don't wanna be a Senior Member. I ain't worthy. I don't know nothin 'bout nothin.

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?" "A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

__________________
Zen Jr., at your service.

Spawn of Zen. Emphasis on Junior... cause I don't wanna be a Senior Member. I ain't worthy. I don't know nothin 'bout nothin.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Betty, that's the goofiest joke, I ever heard.... hmmmmm
speaking of goofy, that reminds me.......

The judge says to Mickey Mouse,
" I'm sorry Mickey! You can not divorce Minnie
because she is nutty."

Mickey answers...

"Oh no, Your Honor! I didn't say she was crazy.
I said she was F***ing Goofy!"

A 92 year old man goes to his doctor and tells him he wants his sex drive lowered.

The doctor says, "Mr. Jones, you're 92 years old, your sex drive is all in your head."

The man replies, "I know it is. That's why I want it lowered!"

__________________
Just Joyfully Participating

~You cannot be happy unless you are serving the truth of your being, however that service looks.~
- Gangaji

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a
parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and
give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first

man he meets,

"Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there
against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to
heaven?

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when
you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time
he'd been stealing the wood and selling it.

At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to
repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing
wood from the lumber yard al! L those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic
cop on a busy street crossing.

The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians".

Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went
over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics
across?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in
the obituary column that he had died. He! Quickly phoned his best
friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" Asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" Replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an
empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been
drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it
again!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a
stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

Oh yeah! ?"said Charlie "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and
knees.

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-shit!"

___________________

enjoy. love, wendy

__________________
"The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated." --Gandhi

Three men were sitting together, bragging about how they had given duties to their new wives.
The first man had married a woman from California, and bragged that he had told her she was
going to do all the dishes and all the house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Texas. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day,
he didn't see any results...... but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was cleaned, dishes were done and he had a huge meal on the table.
The third man married a Missouri woman. He boasted that he had told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day, he didn't see anything....the second day, he didn't see anything, but by the third day, most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper.
Got to love those Missouri women!!!

seen on a car sticker


Here is a world-class joke (email to me on 2004-4-1) by the only classmate who answered love is unconditional and she'll always disagree with me about schooling:









What make us laugh is that jokes all have half-truth in them

This is the fairy tale that we SHOULD have been reading as little girls!
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independant self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecoogical issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am. Then, my Sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs, seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: "I don't THINK so!"

(No offense meant to those wonderful men out there who have never thought like a frog, lol!)

Blessings Always, in All Ways!